Aim to maim
01-02-2006, 06:36 PM
I recently posted asking opinions regarding the choice of a rifle for a police sharpshooter friend who just discovered deer hunting in a big way. I received several well thought-out replies.
Posted below for your amusement is my version of how my buddy's hunt might have been reported by today's media had they known of it.
Local Quadruped Dies In Police Shooting
Buck Deere of the Fallow Fields community died Friday afternoon following a tense standoff with a Meadowbrook Police Department SWAT team sniper. Deere sustained a single gunshot wound to the chest, according to Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency (TWRA) Officer G. M. Warden, who examined the carcass shortly after the shooting took place.
The incident began Friday morning when Rutledge County Animal Control Officer Steve Alley received a call from an anonymous tipster identified only as Jane Doe. She told Alley that a ruminant fitting the description of Deere was acting erratically, picking fights with other ruminants and making unwanted advances to females near the intersection of State Route 308 and Chute Road. Rutledge County Sheriff’s Detective Britt Smith was notified of the tip. Detective Smith and Meadowbrook Police Department Corporal Brad Day proceeded to the area in an unmarked vehicle and concealed themselves in the woods near the last reported sighting of the suspect.
Just before 4:00 PM the pair observed 4 unescorted female cervidae a considerable distance away, apparently out for a late afternoon stroll. Detective Smith decided to leave his concealed position in order to warn the females of possible danger and to reconnoiter the area. Shortly after Smith’s departure, Corporal Day spotted Buck Deere about 80 yards from his concealed position. According to reports reviewed by The News, Day could see that the suspect was armed with a three-pointed set of antlers. Day identified himself to Deere as a police officer and ordered him to drop the antlers. Deere allegedly replied with three unprintable lewd anatomical demands. The suspect then added that if his demands were met, he might consider shedding the antlers in January or February.
Officer Day felt the demands were unreasonable. In an attempt to keep the situation from escalating further, he employed pepper spray which only enraged Deere more. In his report, Day admitted that under the stress of the moment, he might have inadvertently used doe in heat hormone spray which he also had with him. Aware of the proximity of homes, the rapidly approaching darkness and concerned for the unprotected females in the area, Day concluded that Deere represented an immediate threat to his and Detective Smith’s safety, and the safety of the local citizenry. After protracted fumbling, he managed to fire one round from his .308 caliber sniper rifle, striking suspect Deere in the chest. Deere then ran a short distance and collapsed. Corporal Day remained in his concealed position and provided cover for Detective Smith, who located Deere after a brief search and determined he no longer posed a threat.
Due to the fact that the TWRA has jurisdiction in such matters, Meadowbrook Police Chief Arnold Wiggum, upon learning of the shooting, contacted TWRA Wildlife Officer G. M. Warden and requested that he respond to the scene. Warden performed a field autopsy and pronounced that the suspect was DOA (deer on acorns). After further investigation, Warden determined that the shooting was in compliance with all applicable provisions of Tennessee Code Annotated Title 70, Chapters 1-6, and therefore completely justifiable.
This was not Buck Deere’s first run-in with law enforcement. In an incident reported in The News earlier this year, Deere was cited by the Tennessee Highway Patrol (THP) for going 16 miles per hour in a school zone. That violation allegedly occurred as Deere jumped out of the road in order to avoid being struck by a THP vehicle which was rushing to attend a political patronage committee meeting. Deere, with the help of an attorney provided to him by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), successfully contested the charge. The prosecution’s case fell apart after it was determined that the radar gun utilized by the THP was not calibrated for ungulates.
There were also unsubstantiated reports that Deere was a prime suspect in the recent disappearance of mineral blocks from cattle pastures and barns in the Fallow Fields area. Law enforcement officials would not confirm or deny those rumors.
OBITUARIES
Buck “Bambi” Deere
Buck “Bambi” Deere of Rutledge County died Thursday, December 1st, 2005, of injuries sustained during a confrontation with a member of the Meadowbrook Police Department. He was the son of John Deere and Oh Dear Doe. He was a retired actor. His father, the late John Deere, achieved fame when he posed as the model for an advertising logo used by a large manufacturer of farm implements and lawn care products. At an early age, Buck Deere, seeking to follow in his father’s footsteps, auditioned and was selected for a starring role in a major Walt Disney production. In recent years, he was featured briefly as an extra in an auto insurance television commercial.
Mr. Deere was preceded in death by his parents and several brothers and sisters. Although never married, he is survived by an unknown number of unnamed offspring. Mr. Deere attended the Cedar Grove Ungulate Church and was a lifelong herbivore. He was a member of the Loyal Order of Artiodactyla (Cervidae Rite) and was a Past Alpha Male in that organization. He was also an honorary member of both the Elks Lodge and the Moose Lodge.
A memorial service was held at the Grassmere Park Petting Zoo in Nashville on Monday, December 5th. Several members of an organization known as Hunters for the Hungry served as honorary pallbearers. Funeral arrangements were handled by Flowers Deer Processing of Joelton. At the recommendation of the Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency, Mr. Deere’s remains will be cubed, marinated in red wine and soy sauce, browned and then simmered on low heat with onions, stewed tomatoes, beans and chili powder for 6 hours . The family requests that in lieu of flowers, memorial contributions be made to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.
For further community reaction to this story, see page 2
Posted below for your amusement is my version of how my buddy's hunt might have been reported by today's media had they known of it.
Local Quadruped Dies In Police Shooting
Buck Deere of the Fallow Fields community died Friday afternoon following a tense standoff with a Meadowbrook Police Department SWAT team sniper. Deere sustained a single gunshot wound to the chest, according to Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency (TWRA) Officer G. M. Warden, who examined the carcass shortly after the shooting took place.
The incident began Friday morning when Rutledge County Animal Control Officer Steve Alley received a call from an anonymous tipster identified only as Jane Doe. She told Alley that a ruminant fitting the description of Deere was acting erratically, picking fights with other ruminants and making unwanted advances to females near the intersection of State Route 308 and Chute Road. Rutledge County Sheriff’s Detective Britt Smith was notified of the tip. Detective Smith and Meadowbrook Police Department Corporal Brad Day proceeded to the area in an unmarked vehicle and concealed themselves in the woods near the last reported sighting of the suspect.
Just before 4:00 PM the pair observed 4 unescorted female cervidae a considerable distance away, apparently out for a late afternoon stroll. Detective Smith decided to leave his concealed position in order to warn the females of possible danger and to reconnoiter the area. Shortly after Smith’s departure, Corporal Day spotted Buck Deere about 80 yards from his concealed position. According to reports reviewed by The News, Day could see that the suspect was armed with a three-pointed set of antlers. Day identified himself to Deere as a police officer and ordered him to drop the antlers. Deere allegedly replied with three unprintable lewd anatomical demands. The suspect then added that if his demands were met, he might consider shedding the antlers in January or February.
Officer Day felt the demands were unreasonable. In an attempt to keep the situation from escalating further, he employed pepper spray which only enraged Deere more. In his report, Day admitted that under the stress of the moment, he might have inadvertently used doe in heat hormone spray which he also had with him. Aware of the proximity of homes, the rapidly approaching darkness and concerned for the unprotected females in the area, Day concluded that Deere represented an immediate threat to his and Detective Smith’s safety, and the safety of the local citizenry. After protracted fumbling, he managed to fire one round from his .308 caliber sniper rifle, striking suspect Deere in the chest. Deere then ran a short distance and collapsed. Corporal Day remained in his concealed position and provided cover for Detective Smith, who located Deere after a brief search and determined he no longer posed a threat.
Due to the fact that the TWRA has jurisdiction in such matters, Meadowbrook Police Chief Arnold Wiggum, upon learning of the shooting, contacted TWRA Wildlife Officer G. M. Warden and requested that he respond to the scene. Warden performed a field autopsy and pronounced that the suspect was DOA (deer on acorns). After further investigation, Warden determined that the shooting was in compliance with all applicable provisions of Tennessee Code Annotated Title 70, Chapters 1-6, and therefore completely justifiable.
This was not Buck Deere’s first run-in with law enforcement. In an incident reported in The News earlier this year, Deere was cited by the Tennessee Highway Patrol (THP) for going 16 miles per hour in a school zone. That violation allegedly occurred as Deere jumped out of the road in order to avoid being struck by a THP vehicle which was rushing to attend a political patronage committee meeting. Deere, with the help of an attorney provided to him by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), successfully contested the charge. The prosecution’s case fell apart after it was determined that the radar gun utilized by the THP was not calibrated for ungulates.
There were also unsubstantiated reports that Deere was a prime suspect in the recent disappearance of mineral blocks from cattle pastures and barns in the Fallow Fields area. Law enforcement officials would not confirm or deny those rumors.
OBITUARIES
Buck “Bambi” Deere
Buck “Bambi” Deere of Rutledge County died Thursday, December 1st, 2005, of injuries sustained during a confrontation with a member of the Meadowbrook Police Department. He was the son of John Deere and Oh Dear Doe. He was a retired actor. His father, the late John Deere, achieved fame when he posed as the model for an advertising logo used by a large manufacturer of farm implements and lawn care products. At an early age, Buck Deere, seeking to follow in his father’s footsteps, auditioned and was selected for a starring role in a major Walt Disney production. In recent years, he was featured briefly as an extra in an auto insurance television commercial.
Mr. Deere was preceded in death by his parents and several brothers and sisters. Although never married, he is survived by an unknown number of unnamed offspring. Mr. Deere attended the Cedar Grove Ungulate Church and was a lifelong herbivore. He was a member of the Loyal Order of Artiodactyla (Cervidae Rite) and was a Past Alpha Male in that organization. He was also an honorary member of both the Elks Lodge and the Moose Lodge.
A memorial service was held at the Grassmere Park Petting Zoo in Nashville on Monday, December 5th. Several members of an organization known as Hunters for the Hungry served as honorary pallbearers. Funeral arrangements were handled by Flowers Deer Processing of Joelton. At the recommendation of the Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency, Mr. Deere’s remains will be cubed, marinated in red wine and soy sauce, browned and then simmered on low heat with onions, stewed tomatoes, beans and chili powder for 6 hours . The family requests that in lieu of flowers, memorial contributions be made to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.
For further community reaction to this story, see page 2