Aim to maim
01-02-2006, 06:39 PM
(Continued from Page 1)
Local Reaction to Police Shooting Varied and Intense
Last week’s death of Rutledge County resident Buck Deere at the hands of law enforcement was met with a wide range of reactions from local residents. Phelecia Pheelgood, local vegetarian, animal activist and PETA member, was clearly outraged by the incident. Pheelgood was interviewed by a News reporter while picketing in front of the local McDonalds.
“I’m clearly outraged by the incident. They shot him down for no reason,” she screeched. “It’s like it’s open season on herbivores around here or something. They didn’t have to kill him. Why didn’t they just shoot him in the leg? They should have given in to at least some of his demands and then they could have worked this out peacefully. I’m going to insist that the mayor look into this further”
Meadowbrook Police Chief Arnold Wiggum, when told of Pheelgood’s concerns, responded that shooting armed suspects in the leg is “fine for TV and movies but not practical in real life. Besides, a three-legged cervid is just as dangerous as a four-legged one. It’s apparent to me that Ms. Pheelgood spends a lot of time watching television. I guess she missed When Animals Attack. The bottom line is that the Meadowbrook Police Department will continue to enforce the law fairly, without regard to race, gender, ethnicity or species.”
Meadowbrook Mayor Gerald Jones said he supported Ms. Pheelgood’s right to express her opinion but that he was satisfied with the investigations already conducted by local and State of Tennessee authorities.
“I see no need to make a Federal case out of it,” Mayor Jones said. “Besides, I’m sure that with the Bird Flu threat going on, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has a lot on their plate right now. And ever since all the Sasquatch sightings several years ago, the Federal Wildlife people have for some reason been reluctant to come anywhere near Rutledge County.”
In regard to Ms. Pheelgood’s insistence that police should have given in to some of Deere’s demands, The News showed the 3 demands detailed in Corporal Day’s report to eminent Meadowbrook physician Dr. Sawyer Bones and asked his expert opinion. The first two demands, which cannot be printed here in their entirety due to their lewd, salacious and explicit nature, involved the use of a rope and sand. After reviewing the demands, Dr. Bones advised that complying with the first two would have been “hygienically unsound and medically unwise.” The third demand, according to Dr. Bones, would have been “anatomically impossible” for Corporal Day to comply with.
Fallow Fields resident Doe Ray Me expressed relief that she could again venture into the woods without fear of being accosted. “It’s sad it had to end like this,” she said, “but he had it coming.” Several other female ungulates who refused to give their names expressed similar sentiments.
After the memorial service for Deere, The News interviewed a local Leporidae who goes by the street name “Thumper” and gave his address as “an abandoned burrow in the briar patch.” Thumper said he had been a lifelong friend of Buck Deere and expressed the opinion that his violent end, although tragic, was inevitable.
“He never could handle the fame,” lamented Thumper. “After he starred in Bambi, things went downhill. It didn’t help that his mother died during the filming when live ammunition was accidentally substituted for blanks. To make matters worse, he was nominated for the Oscar for Best Supporting Animal but lost out to that snotty little canine that played Toto in The Wizard of Oz.”
Thumper said that Deere had lost most of the money he made from Bambi in a dubious investment scheme with a biologist who claimed to have invented a substance that enabled male Artiodactyla to grow extremely large and long-lasting antlers. The venture was shut down after an investigation determined the company was in violation of an obscure provision of the Federal Controlled Substance Act prohibiting “male fraud.” “He really started hitting the salt and the acorns pretty heavily after he lost his money, ” Thumper added.
Unable to obtain further work in Hollywood, Deere survived by making occasional public appearances in shopping malls and Christmas parades and at least one television commercial. He also received a small pension from the Screen Animals’ Guild.
According to Thumper, Deere had planned to stage a theatrical comeback, having written a screenplay for a science fiction epic tentatively titled Deer Wars: Revenge of the Cervidae. That plan came to naught when producers insisted that a much younger actor with a Boone and Crockett score of at least 185 be cast in the title role of Buck Fieldwalker. Thumper said that Buck Deere finally hit rock bottom shortly after John Deere, his elderly father, died this year, the victim of an apparent hit and run by a tractor. In an ironic twist, the only clues found by TWRA investigators at the scene of that incident were fragments of distinctive green and yellow paint embedded in the elder Deere’s antlers.
“I knew the end was near when Buck started acting a complete fool about the time of the first frost in late October this year,” Thumper recalled. “All he wanted to do was run around eating acorns, rubbing his head on trees, scraping the ground and doing other things I’d better not talk about. I tried to help but he would only tell me over and over that his life was in a rut. I hate it had to end like this, but I guess he’s better off now.”
The News also spoke briefly with Corporal Day, the Meadowbrook Police sniper who fired the fatal shot. When asked about some of the comments reported above, his reply was “Hey, it was him or me. It’s ugly work, but someone has to do it. And you might want to ask Ms. Pheelgood about the 3-Piece Extra Crispy Meal that she picked up last Monday night at the KFC drive-thru window while wearing a blonde wig and sunglasses.”
Asked if he had any regrets, Day admitted that he was concerned by the fact that his young daughter and some of her playmates were no longer speaking to him after learning he had shot Bambi. Day declined to answer further questions, saying he had to go home and “do some skinning, carve a notch and then make a special batch of chili for my daughter and her little friends.”
At press time, Phelicia Pheelgood had not returned several calls from The News asking for her reaction to Corporal Day’s allegations of her clandestine nocturnal visit to Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Local Reaction to Police Shooting Varied and Intense
Last week’s death of Rutledge County resident Buck Deere at the hands of law enforcement was met with a wide range of reactions from local residents. Phelecia Pheelgood, local vegetarian, animal activist and PETA member, was clearly outraged by the incident. Pheelgood was interviewed by a News reporter while picketing in front of the local McDonalds.
“I’m clearly outraged by the incident. They shot him down for no reason,” she screeched. “It’s like it’s open season on herbivores around here or something. They didn’t have to kill him. Why didn’t they just shoot him in the leg? They should have given in to at least some of his demands and then they could have worked this out peacefully. I’m going to insist that the mayor look into this further”
Meadowbrook Police Chief Arnold Wiggum, when told of Pheelgood’s concerns, responded that shooting armed suspects in the leg is “fine for TV and movies but not practical in real life. Besides, a three-legged cervid is just as dangerous as a four-legged one. It’s apparent to me that Ms. Pheelgood spends a lot of time watching television. I guess she missed When Animals Attack. The bottom line is that the Meadowbrook Police Department will continue to enforce the law fairly, without regard to race, gender, ethnicity or species.”
Meadowbrook Mayor Gerald Jones said he supported Ms. Pheelgood’s right to express her opinion but that he was satisfied with the investigations already conducted by local and State of Tennessee authorities.
“I see no need to make a Federal case out of it,” Mayor Jones said. “Besides, I’m sure that with the Bird Flu threat going on, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has a lot on their plate right now. And ever since all the Sasquatch sightings several years ago, the Federal Wildlife people have for some reason been reluctant to come anywhere near Rutledge County.”
In regard to Ms. Pheelgood’s insistence that police should have given in to some of Deere’s demands, The News showed the 3 demands detailed in Corporal Day’s report to eminent Meadowbrook physician Dr. Sawyer Bones and asked his expert opinion. The first two demands, which cannot be printed here in their entirety due to their lewd, salacious and explicit nature, involved the use of a rope and sand. After reviewing the demands, Dr. Bones advised that complying with the first two would have been “hygienically unsound and medically unwise.” The third demand, according to Dr. Bones, would have been “anatomically impossible” for Corporal Day to comply with.
Fallow Fields resident Doe Ray Me expressed relief that she could again venture into the woods without fear of being accosted. “It’s sad it had to end like this,” she said, “but he had it coming.” Several other female ungulates who refused to give their names expressed similar sentiments.
After the memorial service for Deere, The News interviewed a local Leporidae who goes by the street name “Thumper” and gave his address as “an abandoned burrow in the briar patch.” Thumper said he had been a lifelong friend of Buck Deere and expressed the opinion that his violent end, although tragic, was inevitable.
“He never could handle the fame,” lamented Thumper. “After he starred in Bambi, things went downhill. It didn’t help that his mother died during the filming when live ammunition was accidentally substituted for blanks. To make matters worse, he was nominated for the Oscar for Best Supporting Animal but lost out to that snotty little canine that played Toto in The Wizard of Oz.”
Thumper said that Deere had lost most of the money he made from Bambi in a dubious investment scheme with a biologist who claimed to have invented a substance that enabled male Artiodactyla to grow extremely large and long-lasting antlers. The venture was shut down after an investigation determined the company was in violation of an obscure provision of the Federal Controlled Substance Act prohibiting “male fraud.” “He really started hitting the salt and the acorns pretty heavily after he lost his money, ” Thumper added.
Unable to obtain further work in Hollywood, Deere survived by making occasional public appearances in shopping malls and Christmas parades and at least one television commercial. He also received a small pension from the Screen Animals’ Guild.
According to Thumper, Deere had planned to stage a theatrical comeback, having written a screenplay for a science fiction epic tentatively titled Deer Wars: Revenge of the Cervidae. That plan came to naught when producers insisted that a much younger actor with a Boone and Crockett score of at least 185 be cast in the title role of Buck Fieldwalker. Thumper said that Buck Deere finally hit rock bottom shortly after John Deere, his elderly father, died this year, the victim of an apparent hit and run by a tractor. In an ironic twist, the only clues found by TWRA investigators at the scene of that incident were fragments of distinctive green and yellow paint embedded in the elder Deere’s antlers.
“I knew the end was near when Buck started acting a complete fool about the time of the first frost in late October this year,” Thumper recalled. “All he wanted to do was run around eating acorns, rubbing his head on trees, scraping the ground and doing other things I’d better not talk about. I tried to help but he would only tell me over and over that his life was in a rut. I hate it had to end like this, but I guess he’s better off now.”
The News also spoke briefly with Corporal Day, the Meadowbrook Police sniper who fired the fatal shot. When asked about some of the comments reported above, his reply was “Hey, it was him or me. It’s ugly work, but someone has to do it. And you might want to ask Ms. Pheelgood about the 3-Piece Extra Crispy Meal that she picked up last Monday night at the KFC drive-thru window while wearing a blonde wig and sunglasses.”
Asked if he had any regrets, Day admitted that he was concerned by the fact that his young daughter and some of her playmates were no longer speaking to him after learning he had shot Bambi. Day declined to answer further questions, saying he had to go home and “do some skinning, carve a notch and then make a special batch of chili for my daughter and her little friends.”
At press time, Phelicia Pheelgood had not returned several calls from The News asking for her reaction to Corporal Day’s allegations of her clandestine nocturnal visit to Kentucky Fried Chicken.