Some of them that My kid addled brain can remember.....
For describing "Smarts":
"That boy is as sharp as a bowling ball."
" Dumb as a box of hammers."
"Smart as a fence post."
"I'd say he's as dumb as________, but I wouldn't want to insult the __________!" (IE: a retarded Cow...I'd say he was dumb as a retarded cow, but I wouldn't want to insult the cow!)
On the weather:
"I'd tell you how cold it is out, but my brain is to frozen to function!"
"It's so cold......" followed buy any one of thousands of "Cold" jokes.
"It's so windy, I saw the same hen lay an egg three times!"
Done with your thumbs under your underarms,and with the accent like the "Old new england" farmer...
"Might rain today!" Only to be said while standing in a
HUGE downpour.....Our weather forecasters leave
much to be desired.
"It's not the heat, it's the humidity!" Only done when the temperature is 100/150 (100 degrees, with 150% humidity
), or what we like to call spring/summer/fall....just before it goes back to -20 degrees for the other 9 months of the year.
"We might get a light dusting of snow." Said just before the latest record setting snowfall of the past 150 years.
"We
will get 1 to 5 feet of snow." Said just before a record setting 75 degree heat wave in the middle of February.
For marriage/relationships :
"Are you married, or happy?"
"You know, they say married men live longer...Yes, It's a S-L-O-W painfully death."
"Make sure that you keep the receipt handy!" Said to someone who is entering into a foolish/doomed marriage, about the wedding gifts.
"I've been trying to get a new _________ for my Wife, but no one will make the trade."
I know many, many more. But I think I'll stop there.....
Tall Shadow