Just can't help it This is Funny

skeet · #1 02-26-2005, 09:57 AM

Dear Friends,
My wife Kathy is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future.

Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for Kathy.

The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.

You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!

Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Kathy what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Kathy to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time... So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch across, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no frickin' way!"

Frickin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.

(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there???

My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . Sure would like to get 'em back.

See that...that is a real down home Bubba from down south fer certain. The kind we have to drink all that beer for at funerals

indyhntr · #2 02-26-2005, 11:33 AM

I've got an even better honest to goodness true story. My older brother is a reserve officer for the town and as most are now-a-days is trained to use a defribulator. The local state trooper that used to do the training on these things thought that it would be a good idea to teach his teenage daughter to use it as well. Apparently she was a little apprehensive after he retrieved the training set from the back of his car, which coincedentaly looks just like the real one, so to show her how safe this is he put the paddles against his head and hit the button

you guessed it, wrong set! Supposedly when the EMT's got there 10 minutes later he was still twitching and unresponsive.

gumpokc · #3 02-26-2005, 03:33 PM

Damn skeet, and i thought the time i found an electric fence by accident during a "nature call" was bad, long story, but probably similar afteraffects .

btw i'm _real_ careful of that fence by the area i hunt in, i knwo whre it is now even if i am blindfolded and drunk :P

IchWarrior · #4 02-26-2005, 09:25 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by indyhntr
I've got an even better honest to goodness true story. My older brother is a reserve officer for the town and as most are now-a-days is trained to use a defribulator. The local state trooper that used to do the training on these things thought that it would be a good idea to teach his teenage daughter to use it as well. Apparently she was a little apprehensive after he retrieved the training set from the back of his car, which coincedentaly looks just like the real one, so to show her how safe this is he put the paddles against his head and hit the button you guessed it, wrong set! Supposedly when the EMT's got there 10 minutes later he was still twitching and unresponsive.

Defib's are programmed to read and understand the hearts electrical patterns and act accordingly. If his heart is beating fine, it shouldnt do a damn thing. Thats why anyone who gets training gets told, if you suspect heart attack, slap it on him, it makes the call. The worst thing you can do is not get the Defib on the person.

Valigator · #5 02-26-2005, 10:35 PM

Oh Jeez I am rolling with that one.....Skeet I gotta a little swamp property I wanna show ya....that is too funny...I have been carrying those around for years and never once got the impluse to hit myself......sorry your story was so good....you must send that to someone....I am dying here.....I know it will get printed.....hope your OK buddy.......wanna go gator huntin?????

DogYeller · #6 02-26-2005, 10:39 PM

In the mid 70's I got my first Compound Bow. It was on the doorstep when I got home from work, around midnight.

I unpacked it and it was what was advertised strung up and ready to go. Since it was too late to go outside and shoot a few I sat on the couch and pulled it a few times. I was wearing a pair of cut off Levies and I had the Bow resting on my inner thigh. The last time I let the bow down it rolled the skin between the boys and my knee up between the wheel and the cable. I had to pull the bow to full draw to get loose. The next morning I had a bruise from my crotch to my knee.

It hurt like hell.

Allen · #7 02-26-2005, 10:54 PM

Way too funny!!

Is there any video?

Allen

skeet · #8 03-07-2005, 11:40 AM

After looking at some of the posts here...I just want to clear up one misconception...This wasn't me..it really wasn't... I'm pretty certain...cause I don't think my wife's name is Kathy.....At least the one that stays here in the house isn't named Kathy.. Where did I go wrong??!!

I used to date a Kathy....spelled with a C if I disremember right

I really don't think I would be quite this dumb. I woulda zapped the cat!

here kitty kitty kitty.

Valigator · #9 03-07-2005, 06:10 PM

Oh dont be back pedaling now Skeet...no matter it was still a good story.

iwerk2hard · #10 03-07-2005, 11:19 PM

It ain't too late skeet.
Go ahead and zap the cat!!!
Give us a detailed description of the next several minutes, including your wife's reaction.

VinVega · #11 03-08-2005, 11:32 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by iwerk2hard
It ain't too late skeet.
Go ahead and zap the cat!!!
Give us a detailed description of the next several minutes, including your wife's reaction.

I have a feeling he'll only have eyes for about three seconds of it. The rest he will have to explain by what he hears.

Valigator · #12 03-08-2005, 06:43 PM

You can tell we arent Cat people....

Lilred · #13 03-08-2005, 08:43 PM

Oh dear Lord, that was the best thing I've heard in ferever...holy crap..still rotflmao

skeet · #14 03-10-2005, 09:25 PM

Hey y'all ..You know if I zap the cat Kath....er.... my wife will have to be gone to work.... First off I need the money and she's the only one werkin.... I need my allowance(but I'm trying to find her another job so's we can be a 2 income family again)and my wife is a cat person...and a dog person. Heck she might even zap a snake her self, though! Reminds me of a snake joke I have to post. I do have ta tell ya all though. I did give MY wife some of those pepper sprays. I tried onea them out on a cat. Sucker like to of died. Scrabbled around the floor and screeched a fair amount till it finally got it's feet under it again. Took off a runnin' and I ain't seen that cat since....and that was 3 yrs ago. My wife kept askin "wonder where that cat got to" for at least 2 months. I REALLY had ta act innocent for a long time. Oh an my wife's name really isn't Kathy!! An' I really don't have one of them zappers...but I'd like to...I reckon!

Had to edit this to tell ya I posted the fishin(snake) story. Also have to let ya know...That was a really hateful da** cat anyway. He was a attack cat...but he attacked everbody...me too....an my baby Canada geese. So he woulda hadda go anyway!!