Iowa is a four-letter word

[Rocky Raab]

I may be wrong, but I don’t believe that Iowa really exists.

I think that Iowa is actually a make-believe place like a movie set, and that Iowa is merely re-created every four years just for elections. In between caucuses (whatever THEY are), Iowa is taken down and stored until the politicians need it four years later.

I believe this because you never hear anything whatsoever about Iowa except during elections. I don’t think I know anybody or anything that claims to be FROM Iowa, either. Oh sure, you can find Iowa on a map, but so what? I’ve seen maps of Narnia and that whole Middle Earth land where Frodo Baggins traipsed about with that ring.

I’d bet that if you drove into what the maps call Iowa, you’d see a big sign, “Welcome to Iowa!” But if you glanced in your mirror as you went by, the back side would read “You are leaving Nebraska!”

Those Iowa city streets the TV networks supposedly show in their broadcasts? About as real as the new town the people built in “Blazing Saddles” to fool Hedley Lamar and his gang. Come to think of it, TV reporters are a lot like Hedley Lamar and his gang – except Hedley was more honest and truthful.

Nah, Iowa is just another four-letter word for an imaginary place. Like Hell, or Oslo. Wait and see, after today, you’ll not hear another word about Iowa except for the election results. No live TV shots, no good-old-boy-in-the-café interviews, no reporters claiming to file stories from anywhere in Iowa. Because after today, the whole place will be struck down, packed into trailer trucks and carted off to storage.

I only wish they’d pack up and store the cardboard cutouts called politicians, too.