My favorite lines.

[DogYeller]

A fly in your soup is better than no meat at all.

I don't eat red meat anymore.....I cook it until it's just pink

Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult

Some people act crazy, others aren't acting.

Old age needs so little but it needs that little so much

Psychiatrists relax by stopping and smell the neuroses.

Now that I've finally got my act together, I've forgotten what I'm
supposed to do with it

Second hand smoke may be dangerous to your health, but it's still cheaper.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

Of course I'm drunk! What do you think I am, a stunt driver?

The person who snores always falls asleep first

Drunk? I've only beered two hads

Driving while drunk is almost as dangerous as walking while sober.

Eskimos get polaroids from sitting on the ice too long

Show respect for age; drink good single malt scotch for a change.

A lisp is to call a spade a thpade.

Home is where you can say anything you like ...because nobody listens to
you anyway.

I will not cheat on my wife, because I love my house

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing
over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.

Think positive. If you fall in the creek, check your pockets for fish.

Never insult someone you can't outrun.

Only kings, presidents, and people with tapeworms have the right to use
the editorial "we"

Never invite newlyweds to a come as you are party.

IneedsignificantlymoreroominthislineforwhatIwanttosay.

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up what did he go
back to?

If you water it and it dies, it's a plant. If you pull it out and it
grows back, it's a weed.

If infinite idiots fired infinite shotguns at an infinite number of road
signs, they'd eventually create all the great literary works of the
world in braille.