This was so good

[Valigator]

I had to bring it over here...

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
-- Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert DE Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
-- Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams

Oh Petey if you need to move it I'll understand

[earschplitinloudenboomer]

The feminist movement would probably have a much larger following, but a lot of gals just don't want to go off the de-pend.

--earschplitinloudenboomer

[gd357]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.

[Rocky Raab]

Since I'm the Mod here, Val. I'm going to leave it a while. It's too funny to delete it.

Here's my contribution (a bit more PG-rated).

THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run -anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20. You can't remember who sent you this list.

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag. You're it.
2. Hide and try to leak.
3. Top off the scotch.
4. Blind man's squint.
5. Musical chair (electric scooter with a radio).

[Valigator]

Your call Rocky...you know best after this past weekend we all needed something to laugh about....

[Classicvette63]

I'm not a sexist, because witches hate that crap.

Why did God creat women? Because sheep can't cook. "Rimshot" Take my wife please....

Honest to god true story. I roll into a bar and see a guy I recognize from the corvette club. Didn't know him but went and talked to him. So he tells me this joke. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You already told her twice. Not ten minutes later a man and woman come in and sit directly across from us. The woman has a HUGE Mike Tyson shiner on her. This guy sitting next to me says, "She must be a keeper". Confused, I said "Why's that"? "Because he only had to tell her once." I know it was wrong, but I darn near spit my beer across the bar.

[denton]

My wife and I have divided up the decisions in the family. She takes care of the less important stuff, and I take care of the more important stuff. She decides on our budget, when and where we take a vacation, and what I wear. I take care of the family's policy on the Middle East, Social Security....

[Dutchboy]

Hey, that sounds like my house! My wife makes the unimportant decisions, and I do the important stuff.

Haven't had to make a decision in 16 years of marriage.... Dutch.

[Nulle]

Ya Leave it as it is funny stuff