Turnup's Demise

[earschplitinloudenboomer]

Turnups’ Demise

Ol’ lady heered it...thought it wuz the paper boy....

...'cept it weren't no boy. It was that durn cat agin an' I tell you what... he'd done hisself some livin' since we seen him last! Both ears had got kinder knocked around on the side of his head, one eye wuz all squinted up an' his tail wuz broke. It sorta hung real low an' drug the ground...looked purty raw, might account fer his disposition...he'd picked up a cough too...started out
...koonk...koonk...akooonk....KAAAAK!!!. The wife says "aw poor thang...we got to help him"...so I went to fetch my squirrel gun. Wasn't what she had in mind...an' the cat was a might taken aback too...that one eye got REAL big! (Apparently he'd seen a squirrel gun before). Well anyway, she kinder scooped him up an' put him on the sun porch...said she's gonna call him Turnup, 'cause he just...well “turned up”.

Couple hours of brushin' had a lot of the loose hair...an some of the smell knocked off of him...an' you could tell he was playin' the missus with everthin' he had...tried hard to pur, but...any o' ya'll ever hear a weed whacker with a leetle water in the gas?...puuuuuurrrr, phit, pip, eep....puu...uu....rrr...rrrrrrr! (Still had that one good eye on me though).

First you know, the wife's got him in the house...they's hair... an' other stuff... collectin' in the rug...on the bed...by the stove...an' in MY chair! Purty soon I decided not to like Turnup an' he picked up on that right away. (You don't have to spritz 'em with cold water but a time 'er two...an' they git the ‘pitcher). But now cats ain't like dogs...you know... take things all in good fun an' grin an' waggle...cats is vengeful creatures...an' you don't know vengeful... 'til you stick yer foot in a nice, warm slipper an' it's a little too warm...an' wet...an' then the smell hits you....pheeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww!!!

"Well now dear, you were needin' some new slippers anyway". " I have to run by Pets 'n' Prettys to git Turnup some of that canned perch he likes, I'll stop by the Dollar Store an' git you a pair". “You should have those burnt by the time I get back.”

Perfect...she's gone an' we're here...the two of us...me an' him...an' I have a plan. If I can just git ol' stinky into the dad burn laundry room...

He wuz behind the couch...I could hear him snorin' ....snork...frump...pherrrrttt !!! (that pherrrrttt wern't no snore!!!)...so's I put the trash can with the swingy lid at one end, shook up a Bud Light, popped 'er an' tossed er' in at the other. POP....fffffffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssss.......................

MERRRRWOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!.............
whump, into the can...he, he, he...I love it when a good plan comes t’gether...

Now lets see...10 er 11 minutes on fluff dry...yep...that ought to do it...
click!...tumble...rumble...hiiiiisssssfffffffftttt ttt.....tumble....rumble...koonk, akoonk...KAAAACK.... gerrrrrunnngowwww!
...tumble...tumble...rum.......... ..all done. Open the back door first...then the dryer.

Ol' Turnup flew out of there lookin' like a furbee in a ‘ternader...he wuz THIIIIIISSSSSSS big an' the static electricity wuz a sparkin’ like lightnin’...the more he moved, the more it built up...an' believe me he was movin' when he hit the driveway where the wife wuz gettin' out of the Pinto.!
......snap.......crackle........pop.......zzzzzzz zzzzzzztttttt!!! Just as he passed between her legs there wuz a powerful discharge....a blindin' light exploded all around...the sound was deafening...BA...ZZZZeeeerZUP!!...an' Turnup wuz gone... ‘cept fer the smell...burnt hair an’ cat dookie... man I’d done ‘er this time... the neighbors wuz gonna be pissed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When she come to...some time later...the missus asked about Turnup, an’ I lied to that woman...told her about a freak electrical storm that had passed through...why the “lightnin” had even knocked out the dryer...had to buy her a new one...luckily the TV still worked...we'd have to tune in the Weather Channel right often from now on...wouldn't want to get caught in this kind of situation agin’...would we?

(pssst... while she’s in the kitchen, fryin’ taters, yall listen here... the 4th is on us... if you’d druther have sky rockets as sparklers... instead of cling free...spray in a little startin’ fluid..... shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, here she comes... see yall).

“Yes snookums... biskits’d be fine... nooooo, I wusn’t talkin to nobody.........