Iowa is a four-letter word

[Rocky Raab]

I may be wrong, but I don’t believe that Iowa really exists.

I think that Iowa is actually a make-believe place like a movie set, and that Iowa is merely re-created every four years just for elections. In between caucuses (whatever THEY are), Iowa is taken down and stored until the politicians need it four years later.

I believe this because you never hear anything whatsoever about Iowa except during elections. I don’t think I know anybody or anything that claims to be FROM Iowa, either. Oh sure, you can find Iowa on a map, but so what? I’ve seen maps of Narnia and that whole Middle Earth land where Frodo Baggins traipsed about with that ring.

I’d bet that if you drove into what the maps call Iowa, you’d see a big sign, “Welcome to Iowa!” But if you glanced in your mirror as you went by, the back side would read “You are leaving Nebraska!”

Those Iowa city streets the TV networks supposedly show in their broadcasts? About as real as the new town the people built in “Blazing Saddles” to fool Hedley Lamar and his gang. Come to think of it, TV reporters are a lot like Hedley Lamar and his gang – except Hedley was more honest and truthful.

Nah, Iowa is just another four-letter word for an imaginary place. Like Hell, or Oslo. Wait and see, after today, you’ll not hear another word about Iowa except for the election results. No live TV shots, no good-old-boy-in-the-café interviews, no reporters claiming to file stories from anywhere in Iowa. Because after today, the whole place will be struck down, packed into trailer trucks and carted off to storage.

I only wish they’d pack up and store the cardboard cutouts called politicians, too.

[mrmiskin]

I spent a week in Iowa one day. Its there believe me but election time is the only time you hear about it. I guess if South Dakota had the first primary they could have the spotlight. I am suurprised that no one tries to sneak one in ahead of them.

[Aim to maim]

One of the better pieces of satire I've read in a while, Mr. Raab.

[Jack]

There actually is an Iowa. It's just that no one that lives there, or ever has, wants to talk about it.
Kinda like having an STD.
(there, that should bring the Iowans out of the woodwork! )

[skeet]

Well Dorothy was from Iowa...but even she called it Kansas. And Rocky ya couldn't have used a better example of Iowa than that movie. Those bad ol boyz had to pay a toll of a dime each. The toll we have to pay is watching that claptrap on the News every night... Just remember...AAAWWW Mongo he straight!! even in Iowa

[muledeer]

Is Rocky really "Andy Rooney"??????????
muledeer

[gd357]

The Orange Bowl was a better use of my time... After I got a tire changed on my truck.

gd

[fabsroman]

Rocky,

That was utterly hilarious. You should write for a living. Oh yeah, you do. Honestly though, that was really good.

[Mil Dot]

All I know about Iowa:

Down stream from Minnesota & a great place to pickup speeding tickets ( I think their Interstate limit is still 55mph, but may be wrong, don't know, I go through S Dakota now). Politics may some day catchup with the speed limit.

[M.T. Pockets]

We let them come to Minnesota and catch all the bullheads they can carry in 5 gallon pails for a $25 non-resident fishing license, but try to get a deer license there!

Actually, I agree with their deer management compared to most other states, it's working for them.

["yote"]

Hey Rocky, I live 12 miles north of the Iowa border in SE MN. As far as "anything from IA" goes, can anyone say "John Deere" ?
That IA co. puts over 50% of the food on this nations' table.
And that is only for starters. The University of Iowa is THE # 1
AG research University in the US. And I haven't even touched on some of the best pheseant ground in the US.

[Hawkeye6]

Well, Rocky, I'm from Iowa. Left there in 1980 so I've now lived outside the state longer than I lived inside it, but that's where I was reared. It has one of the best public education systems in the country, or used to at least. High literacy rate, etc.

John Deere, Maytag, Winnegago, Pioneer Seed, many amny insurance comanies, Bandag.

Four letter word? Do you mean like Utah? Hmmm....?

[BILLY D.]

OOOOOOOO! "Touche" Hawkeye.

Hell, you think being from Iowa is bad, try being from the "Dakotas". Other citizens think we are part of Canada.

All we peons from North and South Dakota, Iowa, Kansas, and Nebraska do is provide food for the rest of the world.

But I'll stay here and be and be an unknown, I'm fine with it.

Bill

[Hawkeye6]

Billy,

I don't think being from Iowa is bad. Nor would I be bothered by living there now. My career has just taken me in a different direction. There have been many times I wish it had worked out differently, but economics and career opportunities have not worked out that way. You make the best of what you have. That's one thing I learned growing up in the Loess Hills.

H.

[Rocky Raab]

As some of the guys noted, it was satire.

But note that what I said was true: nary a word about Iowa spoken now. All good iowans can go back to their quiet ways - probably with deep gratitude. Reporters would have been the eighth plague if they'd have happened to Egypt...